+ Bonus! The easiest gay test

My best friend Max is 32. He’s never been alone for a single day. There’s always a guy beside him, and not just any guy! Tall handsome, athletic, upwardly-mobile and of course, sexy. All in all a prince among men.

To be honest, I’ve always envied how quickly and easily Max seems to hook up with these hunks. One day I asked him to share his secrets, but he laughed it off saying he didn’t need the competition. ‘Damn,’ I thought. ‘How can I find out?’

But I’ve always been smarter than Max. And one day, while he was asleep before his next hunt for a new prince, I hacked his profile on a dating site and learned all his secrets! Max, if you’re reading this, do not be offended.

But I’m going to tell all! Here goes:

1. The diamond in a pile of manure

If you want to find a perfect boyfriend, you have to date a lot! Do not wait until you are invited, take the initiative and go! Remember, laziness is the main enemy of your search! You will probably meet with at least 50 guys before you find someone worthwhile.

2. The rule of three meetings every day

Rain, snow and cold weather should not be a problem for you. When the weather is extreme, most guys will take a chance with a risky and courageous man. And it is exactly what we need. Right?

3. No TV! No series!

You have to spend at least 2 hours a day on dating sites! I recommend Badoo and PlanetRomeo.

4. Always see who is nearby. Download a mobile app

Every day you spend a bunch of time on the way to school or work. Leave the games and put that time to good use. Download an app for gay dating (Max enjoys Hornet and Hunters BBS – everything is clear and to the point). You’re going to see guys who are closest to your location – at work, at home or on the road. You never know what a simple trip for a cup of coffee might bring. Could it be that your perfect boyfriend suddenly passes by?

5. First date

On the first date, keep things positive. Nobody wants guys with problems. You have to smile, be happy and cheerful. And you must be a mystery. When a guy asks you about something, tell him he might hear your answer tomorrow. He’ll want to come back for more! I know it sounds silly, but that’s how it is.

6. Positioning. Have an intriguing story

When lovers first meet, there’s always a bit of embellishment involved. Perhaps later on, you fall in love, and then, your partner won’t care that you’re really rather ordinary. Highlight your strong points and the good things you’ve done. Tell stories that will highlight the qualities you’d like your prospective partner to see in you. Are you courageous? Tell a story about how you fearlessly protected a stranger from a gang of thugs.

Would you like to be seen as romantic? Talk about the time you took a former boyfriend for dinner on the riverbank and how your romantic gesture was spurned. Shed a tear if you like. Then move on.

Bonus! Casually say that you’re either doing sports (without being specific) or recently went to a gym. Who said that three wanks per day – is not a sport?

7. On the first date turn the conversation towards your date and listen intently

Find out more about your date. He will be flattered by your interest – and you will be able to gauge whether he will suit you.

8. Do not present yourself as a virgin and don’t let on if you whore

If you have not had sex for a year, do not talk about it. If your bed has played host to 100+ guys, keep quiet about it. Be non-committal about your sexual past. If you’re asked directly, say: “I’ve had a couple of guys, but not you!”

9. No compromises!

If you really want to find a certain kind of guy, never compromise. It’s a road to nowhere. It might last a few months, but you’re wasting your time and not creating the kind of relationship you dream of. As soon as you have to say ‘This or that is good about him BUT…’ the time has come to part ways.

10. Easy flirt

So, if all goes according to plan, this or next week you will have a potential candidate. You can sleep with him if it feels right, but don’t commit. Flirt, chat, but keep up the dating. Once you have a new date, it’s time to decide who you prefer.

11. The best part

Now that you have at least two potential candidates for the role of boyfriend, pull yourself together, put your emotions on hold and do a little evaluation. Use an A4 piece of paper and list your ratings for each guy. Rate them dispassionately on things like personality, how the sex was, how they look, anything that’s important to you. If you can’t make up your mind how to rate one of the guys, sleep on it. Review your sheets in the morning and make your decision.

Thank you, Max! And do not be offended – I did not tell anyone our most important secret. After all, we do not really need a competitor like you…

Bonus! The easiest gay test

Max and I worked together, and if I fancied some guy, Max would always be able to tell if he was gay or straight. Now I know how he did it: it’s so easy!

Max would play a little ‘association’ game. He’d take something like an email address or a company name and ask his ‘subject’ to associate a name with each letter of the word, calling out the letters one at a time.

If the guy responded with mostly female names, he was straight. The guys who gave him mostly male names were more likely to be gay. It gave as an excellent idea as to who might be interested and who wouldn’t!

Gay test #2

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